


Dan Howell: The parents

by AlexLester98



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abandonment, Amnesia, Anxiety Attacks, Bullying, Car Accidents, Cutting, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, M/M, Snow, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 23:06:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10581366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexLester98/pseuds/AlexLester98
Summary: This is a part two of a previous work I wrote a couple years back. To read the first part go here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5996884 There is a lot of anxiety and some triggers if you have past problems with cutting. In this work, Dan is in his last year of high school and trying to forget about Phil, his boyfriend who ran away due to abuse at home and at school. He lives a miserable life until he meets a new student named PJ, that's when his life turns completely around.





	

I wasn’t thinking clearly, I shook my head but he was still there. Phil, broken and bruised just like the last time I saw him. It had been a full summer since I had decided to stay with my parents as opposed to running away with him. I don’t necessarily regret my decision, I mean why should I? I have food, clothing and shelter and kept up a fairly standard high school education. I’m 18 now and just about to start my last year of high school, my best friend Kat and I have become more distant since the incident with… him. He still left even though I chose to stay and I haven’t heard from him in months. That doesn’t mean I still don’t see him though. I see him every day, always out of the corner of my eye, just out of reach. I shook him off as best I could, trying to continue with my life. Tomorrow was the first day of school and I had far worse things to worry about. I re-checked my school supplies making sure I still had everything. Yep, still good. I laid back on my bed and booted up my PS4, playing GTAV for a bit until there was a soft knock on my door.  
“Come in,” I said sitting up, pausing the game. My mom poked her head through the door.  
“Time for dinner, Daniel” she said softly. I nodded and cut off the TV, I stood up and grabbed the nearest shirt I could find. When I walked into the kitchen I could hear my parents quietly arguing at the table. I sighed, this is just ridiculous they were so much happier when they were apart. I was tired of this ‘big happy family’ facade they were trying to upkeep. I sat down and reached for the serving spoon, not even looking at what was being served. I dished out a single scoop and began to put the spoon back.  
“You’re not going to eat more than that?” Dad asked. I grunted that I wasn’t hungry but both my parents knew that was a lie. Ever since He left I hadn’t been eating as much, and they knew it. They stopped talking about it because they know how sensitive that topic still was to me. I finished my dinner quickly, put my dish in the sink and began to move back to my room.  
“Dan, wait a minute!” Mum called out behind me. I sighed dramatically and turned back around. “Listen, your father and I wanted to tell you something… It’s just you’re 18 now and we feel okay with letting you know that we wanted to separate again. It’s just you’ve matured a lot these past few months and we feel comfortable to be separated again.”  
“Wait what are you saying? I mean I’m happy for you and good but where is this coming from all of a sudden?” I asked.  
“Your mother has a new boyfriend” dad grunted. I was fuming.  
“WHAT?!” I yelled. My vision turned red and I turned around and bolted back into my room, slamming the door shut and locking it behind me. She’s seeing someone? Someone who’s not my dad? My mind was racing, I collapsed on my bed and curled up under the covers. Someone knocked at my door at one point but i ignored them, I wasn’t in the mood for talking right now. I guess I must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing I know I’m with Phil, he’s healthy and we’re happy. We’re laying in a field behind this old abandoned farmhouse. I leaned my head against his chest and breathed a sigh of relief; I was finally home. Suddenly I was jerked away from this heaven by the annoying buzzing of my alarm clock across the room. I groaned and stretched; it’s the first day of school. I threw on some clothes, untangled my headphones and rushed out the door, not wanting to talk to either of my parents. I put in my headphones and turned up my music to full volume.  
The first day of school was nothing special, sure the people who knew about me and… Phil… from last year threw a few harsh words around but I expected as much. It was my last class of the day and I was sitting in the back doodling pokemon on the syllabus while the teacher droned on. That’s when he walked in, he was tall and had curly brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. He ran his fingers through his messy hair and looked at the instructor.  
“Sorry i’m late” he smirked, “got lost.” the instructor excused him to go sit down. I realised my mouth was hanging wide open and quickly shut it, going back to focus on my doodles. He strode over to the seat next to me and sat down. My heart beat faster, he leaned over. “Hi my names PJ, what’s yours?” he asked with a quirky grin. My hand froze and I took a shaky breath.  
“My names Howell... I mean Daniel, I mean Daniel Howell. My friends just call me Dan.” I had trouble focusing, all I could think about was that smile.  
“Dan. I like that name.” My heart skipped a beat when he said my name. “Is something the matter? You seem…. Distracted.” Shit, cool it.  
“No, yeah.” I mumbled, “Just never seen you here before.” That was a good recovery, he smiled again.  
“Well I just got transferred here this year.” I welcomed him to our school and he thanked me. I went back to doodling my pokemon, but all I could think about was his unruly hair and that adorable smirk.  
By the time I got home I was so focused on remembering the details of his face I completely forgot about the family drama from last night. I came in and tossed my back on the couch, locking the door behind me. I called out that I was home, still distracted. It took me a while to realise that no one answered. I walked around calling out louder when I came into the kitchen to find a note on the fridge.  
Daniel,  
your father and I are moving his things back into his old apartment. Dinner is in the oven! Love, Mom!  
I sighed and grabbed my dinner, still warm, they must’ve just left.  
I grabbed a fork and turned on the TV.

~

“Oh come on you must be joking!” PJ exclaimed, “You must’ve played D&D before!” I laughed and shook my head.  
“No no like i said, never played it.” PJ playfully punched my arm.  
“Well then I’m gonna teach you! What do you say? My place this friday?” I froze, we’ve been talking for a month now but going over to his house? All the times I fantasized about going to his house but that’s all it was, a fantasy. PJ noticed I was taken aback. “Hey man look, you don’t have to if you don’t want to…” I shook my head and smiled.  
“Don’t want to? Of course I want to!” PJ smiled that breathtaking smile and I lost all train of thought. “Um… we should… get to class”  
“Oh right, class!” he exclaimed as if he forgot altogether. We continued down the hall making it to class just in time.  
I couldn’t focus that entire period, something seemed different. He almost seemed… nervous. No I must be imagining that, just my mind showing me what I wanted to see. I finished my work and thursday was over.  
I dreamt of Phil again that night, we were in the meadow again, everything was perfect like a scene from a movie. It was all so amazing, why did it feel so… sad? I awoke to tears streaming down my face the next morning. I sat up, quickly wiping away the tears and got dressed. My mother and I ate breakfast quietly, i looked up and told her I would be going over to PJ’s later this afternoon. She seemed hesitant at first given my past with… well.... But she obliged and said she would be out tonight again and to not get home too late.  
School couldn’t go by fast enough, I sat in class counting down the hours until i was free. Soon enough, there was only an hour left before the day would be over, I could hardly sit still. When there was only a half hour left in the day, a wave of nerves ran through me, what if I couldn’t figure out how to play the game, or lost control or told him how i truly felt?  
We arrived at his apartment around 5:30 and to my surprise no one was there. I guess PJ could see the look of confusion on my face, he laughed nervously and said, “Yeah… I kinda live alone, things just got too complicated at home, yannow?” I nodded but was mainly concentrating on the fact we were totally alone. “So… Uh… D&D?” PJ said after a pause.  
(Right, right) I nodded, I needed to get my head out of the clouds. He turned and strode across the room to open a cabinet where several board games lived. He dug through several boxes until he found the one he was looking for. I shrugged off my jacket and threw it over the back of the couch, sitting down and making myself comfortable. PJ gasped from across the room, I jumped and turned to face him, I was met with him staring at me with sad eyes. My stomach dropped, ‘Shit, what did I do?’ I suddenly remembered that PJ had never seen me with my jacket off. I felt like I was going to throw up as I snatched my jacket off the couch and shrugged back into it.  
“Oh Dan,” he said “Why would you do that to yourself?” I shrugged silently and sunk deeper into the couch.  
“Can we just play?” I mumbled. PJ nodded and sat quietly next to me, he began to unbox the game and quickly going over the rules but I didn’t hear a word, I was too busy kicking myself for being so foolish. PJ noticed my distracted state and sighed, putting the game down completely.  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up” I shook my head and assured him I was okay. He put his hand on my knee and stroked my leg soothingly. ‘SHITSHITSHIT!’ I jumped up and darted to the bathroom, my pants already tighter. ‘Please god, not now!’  
“Dan please,” PJ moaned from outside, “I’m sorry.” I cleared my throat.  
“Um just give me a minute!” I called out with a shaky breath. I splashed my face with water and went back out to sit on the couch. “Sorry” I mumbled.  
“No it’s my fault for putting my hand on your leg without your consent. I’m sorry I guess I just was imagining the electricity I felt between us.” He hung his head in his hands. I was in a state of shock, my eyes swept over his perfect body, attempting to register what he had just said when I noticed his pants looked a little tighter. My breathing hitched and my heart quickened. PJ continued, “I thought you were cute so I sat next to you on my first day hoping we could at least be friends, then I thought you felt something ,too. I’m just so sor--” I cut him off by placing my hand on his thigh, he looked up and his breath hitched, “Oh Dan,” He sighed as he leaned in closer.

~

I drove home in shock, I was so euphoric I wasn’t even sure what really happened. I got home to the lights still on, I locked the door behind me still in a daze. I made my way into the living room to find my mum sitting on the couch next to some guy sipping on a glass of wine.  
“Oh hey, sweetie” she acknowledged, “How was PJ’s?” I got the faint sense that she was interrogating me so I regained my composure as best I could.  
“Fun! We talked a lot and just sorta hung out.” This wasn’t technically a lie, we did “hang out” just not in the sense she assumed.  
Are his parents nice?” She asked skeptically, I opened my mouth to respond that he lived on his own but something stopped me. If she knew he lived on his own I wouldn’t be able to go over there anymore.  
“Yeah they’re cool” I shrugged.  
“Did you eat dinner over there?” It was then I remembered I hadn’t eaten since lunch, and I was starving.  
“Yeah we ordered pizza” I lied .  
“Well I hope you thanked them!” She seemed satisfied with her questioning and turned back to the man on the couch. I hurried back to my room and made a beeline for my junk food stash. I powered up my PS4 and opened Netflix. I rewatched a show I’d seen many times so I was able to have it on as background noise. As images danced around my head from earlier, I slowly drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the amazing day I had.  
In my dream I waited, waited for Phil in the meadow, in our meadow, for something, anything to happen. What felt like hours later, Phil stumbled out from behind the treeline. His eyes were bloodshot and tears were streaming down his face. He looked the same way he did on the day he tried to commit suicide. He furiously accused me of not loving him and abandoning him when he needed me the most. I woke up shaking in a cold sweat, the house was quiet so I assumed Mum had gone to bed. I tiptoed into the kitchen, tears silently streaming down my face. I filled up a glass of water and chugged it, calming myself.  
I drank the water quickly and stepped back into my room, I was wide awake after that. I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping for the rest of the night, so I turned on my PS4. 8 am rolled around and my eyes started to droop, I could hear my mum milling around in the kitchen. I turned off my PS4 and laid down, the next thing I know I wake up to sun streaming through my window and hanging low in the sky. I checked my phone, 5 PM, with a few texts from PJ! The first one came at 11:30, ‘Good morning sunshine :)’ I smiled and kept skimming the messages, ‘so i was thinking about you last night ;) I had an amazing time yesterday, you have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that.’ I smiled and typed out a reply.  
‘Hey sorry I just woke up, I was awake all night, but yeah I’ve kinda been dying to do that since the day I first saw you.’ We kept texting for about 15 minutes when I realised I was ravenous, I threw on a junk t shirt and shuffled out of my room.  
“There you are!” Mum exclaimed, “I thought I was going to need an ambulance pretty soon!” I chuckled.  
“Nah I was just up late playing video games” I stepped further into the kitchen. She smiled and shook her head. “I should probably get some food I guess…”  
“What?” She seemed surprised and hesitated, “You.. want to eat?” I was confused by the question.  
“Yes?” I answered hesitantly. Her face lit up.  
“Oh yes of course sweetie, here sit yourself down I’ll fix something up for you!” She swept into the kitchen and within minutes she had an entire buffet prepared. The initial confusion at the situation was overshadowed by my insane hunger. I began to feast before I could even register what all she prepared, it was soon gone and I was full. I then realised that mum sat across from me and watched me eat the whole meal. There was a soft smile on her face and tears in her eyes. I took a sip of orange juice to wash out the extra pieces of food and asked, “Yeah?”  
“It’s just…. You haven’t eaten like that in a long time” she sniffed. I cocked my head, what did she mean? Sure, I hadn’t been getting that hungry lately but I still ate. She stood up and took the plates to the sink to wash them off. I shrugged off what she said and retreated back to my room. I had gotten a new text from PJ, ‘Wanna play League?’ I smiled and got on my computer. I put my headset on and began to play.  
About an hour later, mom poked her head in to say she was going out. I nodded and continued to play, shouting orders to my colleagues. After we won me and PJ decided to get off. He texted me almost immediately. ‘So….. you home alone now? ;)’ I smiled, I think I know where he’s going with this.  
‘Yeah just me. Soooooo bored. If only I had some company ;)’ I teased.  
‘Welllll you could come over here my bed is pretty empty’ my heart stopped.  
‘What if mom gets home???’ My mind was racing, of course i wanted to go but if I’m not back when she gets home what will she do?  
‘Don’t worry Dan, honey. You’re 18 and it's a saturday night I’m sure she’ll understand’ I weighed my options. He was right I am a legal adult, plus it's a saturday night that means she’ll probably be out for a long time.  
‘I’ll be over in 10 minutes.’ I resolved. I stood up and grabbed my keys from my nightstand.  
I anxiously knocked on his door fidgeting with my keys, when he answered I dropped my keys and gasped. PJ was standing there in nothing but boxers. My pants felt too constricting, I bent down awkwardly to grab my keys and tried to readjust nonchalantly. I started to apologise but when I looked up I noticed how close I was to him and choked on my words. He chuckled and opened to door further, inviting me inside. I took my jacket off and threw it on the couch in a daze. I stumbled to the couch and sat down, immediately feeling his arms wrap themselves around me as he began kissing down my neck, my breath hitched and he chuckled in my ear.  
“These pants are looking a little too tight” He whispered, tracing my hips with his fingers, “what do you say we take them off and get a little more comfortable?” I nodded vigorously as he fiddled with the button until it finally came undone. My pants slid down to my ankles and i let out a soft whimper as he kept tracing my legs. His free hand slipped up under my shirt. And before I knew it both of us were in our underwear. I closed my eyes and arched my back as he started grinding against me and kissing down my body. That’s when everything stopped. He was there again. His piercing blue eyes looking hurt and confused. His voice echoed in my head, “How could you do this to me, Dan?” My eyes flew open and I bolted off the couch,my hand clamped over my mouth.  
PJ was immediately sitting up and looking concerned. I collapsed to the ground and began rocking back and forth with my hands over my ears trying to block out His voice, trying to forget. PJ asked if everything was okay and immediately apologised for pushing me into doing that. I shook my head. “No no, it’s not you… It’s him…” Pj looked more confused than concerned now.  
“Who?” I just shook my head again, and began to sob. PJ gave me my shirt back and I pulled it on, feeling slightly better as he went to change into a pair of old sweatpants. He sat next to me on the ground and gave me a hug. “That’s okay if you aren’t ready to go that far.” He said giving me a peck on the cheek.  
“I’m sorry…” I sighed. “I wanted tonight to go well, I really did…” My face was red, I felt like I let him down. I was already so nervous about coming over, Phil and I never really did that sort of thing -- it made him uncomfortable. Maybe that’s why I saw him? PJ comforted me and decided a good way to forget your troubles is with a good pizza. He picked up the phone and ordered us some Domino’s, which he didn’t let me pay for. It helped. We spent a couple hours just talking and watching TV until I decided it was time to head back.  
By the time I got home it was well after midnight, but there was no car in the driveway. I went in through the garage-- where there was still no car-- and grabbed myself a soda on the way in. I popped open the can, kicked my feet up and slumped into the couch. I put on my favourite sitcom and downed the soda in a single gulp. My mind still thinking about what happened hours before. The tv droned on in the background and I fell into a deep disassociation. I didn’t hear mum come in until she called my full name. I blinked and glanced at the clock. 2:07. She was radiating with a youthful glow. I couldn’t help but smile in response. It was good to see her this happy. She told me all about her date and the club they went to for almost a half an hour before she decided to go back to her room and take off her makeup. I flicked off the tv and made my way back to my room to change into some sweats. Mum called out that she was headed to bed, I sighed and said goodnight. No more TV tonight then. I was bored of the show anyways, so I decided to just go to bed. I laid for what felt like hours just staring at the ceiling until I finally drifted off into a dreamless slumber.  
The next morning I was woken up early by the sounds of my mother making a racket in the kitchen. I rolled out of bed and lazily walked out to see what was happening. She had the blender out and was making herself a Bloody Mary. A hangover, then. She looked up and stopped the blender when I walked in. “Oh, Daniel! I’m sorry did I wake you?” I shrugged, too tired to form a sentence. “It’s your father's turn to have you this weekend, so why don’t you go and pack up your things, dear?” I nodded and went to splash my face with some cold water before turning and going back into my room. I grabbed the duffel that was on my chair and threw in some clothes and my PS4. I made my way back into the kitchen, tossing my bag on the couch as I passed it. I went to scavenge for some breakfast only to realise that a buffet had already been prepared. So the racket wasn't just from the blender, I thought.  
“What’s the occasion?”  
“What? Can’t a mother cook breakfast for her son anymore?” She asked a little too innocently. I was about to question her further, but I hadn’t eaten anything since the pizza yesterday evening and it all smelled so good. I scarfed down as much as I could, but it was just so much damn food. She watched me eat the whole time, sipping her drink. I could tell she was happy to see me eating again. When I was finally filled to the point of bursting, I grabbed my bag and my keys and gave her a goodbye kiss on the cheek.  
The first thing I did when I got to dad’s apartment was hook up the PS4. Priorities, right? My dad sauntered in, happy to see me so early. “Hey kiddo! How was your week?” My dad was a quiet man, so after a few general questions he scuffled my curly hair and made his way into the office. I sat on the couch and turned on the playstation. PJ’s screen-name immediately came up. I texted him and asked if he wanted to play Left 4 Dead 2. His response was quick. Hell yeah I do! We quickly lost track of time, only stopping to grab some food when we realised it was already lunch. I strolled into the kitchen and saw my dad sitting at the table reading the paper. I rummaged through the cabinets, producing a bag of crisps and some ramen. I ate quickly, took the crisps and headed back to my room where the game was still waiting. PJ and I continued where we left off and kept playing until it was almost time for dinner. The bag of crisps nearly empty at this point, I wasn’t super hungry. But I figured I should have dinner with dad so he won’t be alone. It turns out he made spaghetti; one of my favourite meals. We ate in silence, putting our plates in the sink when we finished. I headed back to my room and he made his way back into the office; this is usually how our nights together went.  
The next week of school was different. Classes felt the same but every time I saw PJ and acting like we were just friends… that was tough. We did everything together. It was actually the best I’ve felt since… well… it just made me really happy.  
~  
“I’ll be down in a sec!” I said from dad’s apartment buzzer. I quickly waved goodbye to my dad and pulled on my coat. PJ and I were going to drive around and look at the christmas lights to put us in the perfect festive mood. I hopped in the passenger seat and we drove off; as soon as we got around the corner I leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek. He handed me a thermos he filled with hot chocolate and put on the festive radio station. I sipped the cocoa quietly, watching the new snow drift down from above. It had been months since my breakdown, and PJ being the sweetheart that he is, suggested we forget it ever happened. He knew I was completely embarrassed about it, so we decided to take it slow from here on out. I could tell he was a little upset, but he wanted me to be happy. The christmas lights looked so beautiful in the peaceful snowfall, I was glad to be looking at them with PJ. It didn’t take long before we got completely lost and ended up driving down an old dirt road, half covered in snow, PJ insisted it would lead us back to another neighbourhood, but I remained wary. We came upon an old barn; it seemed almost… familiar… no, that can’t be I’ve never been here before. So why could I have sworn I’ve seen this place before?  
That’s when I saw his raven hair.  
Standing by the treeline I saw a pale figure, almost as white as the snow that was falling. The figure was clearly shivering and very, very lanky. “Hey, do you see that?” I whispered to PJ. “In the trees! It almost looks like a person?” I looked over to see PJ’s face was hard, he nodded stiffly and in a very serious tone said;  
“Get the blanket from the backseat.” I gave a curt nod. Whoever this person was, was now clearly in view and clearly very malnourished. They were covered in all sorts of grime and mud, their thick black hair so shaggy it hid most of their face. We pulled to a stop and jumped out of the car, slowly making our way over to this stranger. Left trembling from fear, I couldn’t speak. “We’re here to help you,” PJ said calmly “Please don't be afraid. What’s your name?”  
“I… I don't know” A soft voice answered. I stopped dead in my tracks. He looked up to reveal a pair of striking blue eyes. Everything went black.  
I woke up in the barn wrapped in the same blanket he was wrapped in. I looked at his face. The same face I had seen so full of life, the same face of the man I loved, the man I still love. It was so shallow now… He looked even worse than the last time I had seen him. He didn’t look like himself anymore. Those same deep blue eyes I had fallen for were clouded and shallow. I threw up and began to sob. Phil looked confused. PJ was instantly concerned. “Hey are you okay? Did you hit your head when you fell?” I couldn’t answer. PJ was worried but he decided to turn back to Phil to make sure he was going to be okay. “Alright, so you don’t remember your name, what do you remember?” Phil shook his head weakly  
“I woke up in the forest, my head hurt really bad… everything before that is fuzzy.” I choked on my sobs. He-- he doesn’t remember me? “I just have these fragments almost…” he continued. “Feelings… there’s love, and pain and…”  
“And what?” PJ pressed.  
“Abandonment.” I cringed and began crying again. PJ turned back to me, a thought clearly in his mind.  
“Dan, do you know him?” I shook my head weakly. What’s the point anymore? He doesn’t remember me, and after what I did, why would he want to? My head was spinning. I had to get out of here. I got up and sprinted back down the road, not stopping until I found dad’s apartment. It turns out we were only about 3 miles away so it didn’t take long to find. I knew PJ well enough to know he wouldn’t leave Phil alone in the field, so I knew I wasn’t followed. I went straight to my room and locked the door. I don’t care if PJ is worried, I don't care if dad is concerned, I don’t care that Phil no longer cares.  
I opened the drawer to my nightstand and found the all-too-familiar pencil led case. I shook out the blade and without thinking drug it across my skin, this way and that, groaning as it overlapped the many old scars I had. Dad was banging on the door demanding I tell him what was wrong. “Just leave me alone!!!!” I wailed. I was trembling, watching the blood run down my arms and down onto my jumper. I don't give a fuck anymore. My Phil was gone.  
About an hour later I got a call from PJ. I didn’t answer. I was numb, and didn’t feel like having to explain shit. His voicemail was full of anger and concern. Anger for leaving him with an amnesiac stranger in the woods and concern for my safety and well-being. He said that he took the man back to his place, he didn’t think it would be humane to leave him in the woods and he didn’t have enough money to pay for a hospital bill. My arm began to sting. Looks like the adrenaline ran out I thought grimly. I was shaking as a laid back into bed and took a deep breath.  
I woke up the next day with a throbbing pain on my arm and very late for school. I stayed in bed, making no effort to move. What’s the point anymore? I feel like I’ve lost Phil all over again, I just wanted to lay there and die. I had always hoped we would meet again someday in the future and be together and happy again. But this… I wish I could run into his waiting arms and collapse into our little heaven.  
Why didn’t he remember me? What happened to him out there all alone? How long had he been there? Not knowing who he is or why he was in the forest. The first time hurt like hell but that was my choice to stay, this feels like he was viciously torn from me. I was staring at my ceiling for hours, going over everything that happened. My arm stung profusely, snapping me out of my train of thought. I looked down. Oh… right… I was kicking myself. Well there goes my sobriety. I pulled off my still blood-stained jumper and grabbed a long sleeved shirt. At least it was the winter. I walked out to a quiet room. There was a note taped to the fridge  
Dan,  
I’ve gone out to run some errands. I figured I should let you sleep and stay home today due to last nights’ incident. Let me know if there’s anything you need and I’ll gladly get it for you.  
Love, Dad  
I checked my messages. I had a single text from PJ, Dan we need to talk. Well fuck. I was about to call when I realised he would be in class, I felt like absolute horse shit. I suddenly remembered that Phil was staying at PJ’s and he was all alone right now. I panicked and ran for my keys. He can’t be alone right now, he’s probably scared shitless. I hesitated, What am I doing? He doesn’t even know who I am anymore. I’m just another stranger to him. But none of that mattered to me. I just had to know that he was safe. I soon got to PJ’s place and knocked on the door. There was no answer. I began to freak out but then remembered that Phil was probably terrified and wasn’t going to answer the door for someone he didn’t know. I grabbed the spare key and quietly entered the house, removing my snow boots on the way in.  
“Hello?” I called out softly. I heard a whimper from behind the chair. “Oh no don’t be scared. It’s me, Dan, remember from yesterday?” Phil’s head peeked out. I waved feebly and slowly made my way over to him. “Hi, um..” I wasn’t sure what to say. “So… so you remember your name yet?” I asked. Phil pulled his knees to his chest and shook his head. I took a deep breath. “I might be able to help with that.” He looked up at me, a twinkle in his eyes.  
“Really??” He asked hopefully. I nodded.  
“Your name is Phil.” He paused and let it sink it. A look of recognition briefly flashed across his face. He nodded.  
“That does sound familiar. But how do you know?”  
“You uh… used to go to my school is all.” I sighed. Phil came out from behind the couch a little further.  
“Were we friends?” I sighed and shrugged.  
“Not really, we didn’t have any classes together or anything.” I figured it would be best to just leave the memories of me out, he’d probably be happier that way. “So,” I changed the subject “How exactly did you lose your memory?” Phil paused and thought for a bit.  
“Well, I remember waking up on the ground next to a really big root and my head hurt a whole lot. I guess I tripped while I was walking through the woods. I don’t exactly know why I was walking through the woods in the first place but I came upon an old barn and for some reason I felt like I was meant to stay there.” He shrugged.  
“You’re sure you don’t remember anything else? Anything at all?” I pressed. His eyes became unfocused and he gazed into the distance.  
“I remember… a choice…” He jumped back to reality and shrugged again “But I don't know who made the choice or what the choice was at all. Just that it was very important.” he paused and thought for a moment longer, “I also remember a smile, the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. It shines brighter than the sun.” Phil smiled softly, eyes beginning to glaze over again, lost in a daydream. “The memory of that smile has kept me going all this time. It’s the smile of someone who loved me, and I’m determined to find them again.” Tears filled my eyes, they weren’t exactly sad tears, though. Phil immediately noticed and scooted over to me.  
“Hey, you okay?” I smiled a little and nodded.  
“You have no idea.” He smiled back. I grabbed the remote and we watched TV, Phil’s eyes lit up.  
“Oh!” He gasped. “I remember this show!” We sat and laughed for hours. PJ’s house was getting really warm so I pushed up the sleeves of my shirt, taking care not to reopen last night’s wounds. “Daniel James Howell! WHat the fuck did you do to yourself?!” I stopped and stared at him in shock. I had never told him my full name.  
“What did you just say?” Phil’s face contorted into a confused and horrified expression.  
“I-- I don't know…” He breathed, cowering into the cushions.  
“Phil… do you know who I am?” I pressed.  
“Yes! Er-- No… I don't know! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell!” He began to cry. I grabbed him gently by the shoulders, he flinched.  
“Phil…” I begged, “Please…”  
“I’m sorry.” He muttered, shrinking further away from me. My head dropped and I shifted away from him.  
“I should go.” I got up and headed over to my boots. He nodded in response. I pulled on my damp shoes and ran out to my car without looking back. My breathing became hitched and ragged. I climbed in my car, pausing in the driveway for a few seconds. He remembered me? Even if it was only for a second, that meant there was still hope. I thought about as I drove quickly through the ice and snow. The next thing I knew I was skidding through a red light, horns blared and I heard the horrible screech of metal on metal. My shoulder throbbed in an excruciating pain, I felt cold. Everything went black.  
I woke up to the steady beeping of machines and the bright LED lights of a hospital room. I freaked the fuck out and whipped my head around, focusing only on a pair of deep blue eyes. I relaxed almost instantly and took a serious look at my surroundings. My left arm was in a sling and I was in a hospital room. Phil sat next to me, looking extremely worried and PJ was in the door looking more pissed than ever. “Where am I?” I managed to ask.  
“Where does it look like genius?” PJ snapped. I flinched.  
“You… crashed your car…” Phil explained, confusion on his face. PJ snorted. I couldn’t think of why he would be so mad, but before I could ask a nurse walked in.  
“Oh good! You’re awake!” She chirped in a clearly fake voice.  
“What happened?” she smiled sympathetically.  
“Well hun, you ran a red light. The person who hit you was kind enough to call the emergency line and notified the last person you called. I’m afraid you dislocated your left arm and fractured your collar bone. Unfortunately, we’re unable to relocate your arm until your collarbone heals. If we try to put it back in right now, the fracture could become more severe and even break. I’m afraid you’ll have to wear this sling for the time being.”  
“Where are my parents?” I asked suddenly, realising they weren’t there.  
“We wanted to wait until you woke up before we contacted them. You’re 18 so you have a right not to call them, after all.” I thanked her for the information, she checked my vitals and then left me alone with Phil and PJ.  
“PJ was the last person on your recent calls list, so he came home to drop off his things and I decided I should come, too.” Phil explained, eyes glazed like they had been earlier in the day. “I don’t know why, but I was really worried about you… I don’t even know you but hearing that you were in the accident made my chest ache in a way I never knew it could.” PJ snorted in the doorway, “When I saw you in the bed unconscious, I shoved PJ out of the way and rushed to your side… Why would I do that, Dan? You said we didn’t know each other.” I shook my head in disbelief, but couldn’t respond. How do you tell someone how you feel about them when they don’t even remember who you are? PJ cleared his throat and stepped forward.  
“Phil, give us a minute.” he said curtly. Phil nodded, shooting me a worried look and slipped out of the room without a word. “So do you want to explain to me what the fuck is happening? First you run away and flip the fuck out, skip school, go over to my house without telling me and now,” He gestured at me angrily, “This?!” I flinched away from his anger.  
“I don’t know what to say,” I whimpered, “I’m sorry.”  
“LIKE HELL YOU ARE!” He shouted, drawing back an arm. I yelped and cowered in fear. He took a deep breath and slowly lowered his arm. “Well either you tell me what the hell is going on or we’re through.” I just sat there in silence, shaking. “Fine. I’m out. Have fun figuring out what to do with that freak cause i’m sure as hell not putting up with him anymore.” He turned on his heels and stomped out of the room. Phil returned, tears in his eye. He had heard everything.  
“Phil?” he just shook his head in response, sinking slowly into the chair across the room. He looked up at me, pain in his eyes.  
“I’m so worried, Dan” He paused, “Worried that I’d lost you. I’ve only known you for a day; why am I so worried?” I couldn’t answer. Phil looked away, “What do you know, Dan? About me. About my old life?” Before I could say anything my phone began to ring. I answered to my dad’s voice.  
“Dad?”  
“Hey son! I just got back from running errands and saw you were out. Did you decide to go to school after all?” I began to feel faint. What was I going to say? I went to see my boyfriend who ran away who also doesn’t remember me only to get in a car accident on the way home? I sighed and said I went out to get food but got in an accident. “What? Are you okay! Where are you?” I told him. “I understand. I’m on my way now.” The phone silenced with a click. I immediately turned to Phil.  
“Listen, you have to leave right this minute. Here take this.” I gave him some money I had in my pocket. “Use it to get a cab and go wherever you want. Just get out before my dad gets here!” He was reluctant to go but he must’ve heard how frantic I was.  
“We aren’t through with this discussion.” He said standing up. He took the money, turned and walked out the door.  
Explaining what had happened to mum was completely hell. Dad had called her on his way out the door and they both arrived at the same time. They were upset about the car, but understanding because of the fresh snow. I was able to go home the next day but all I could think about was what happened with Phil. I hope he’s okay. I was so consumed by our conversation that my arm didn’t even hurt anymore.  
The next day at school I was completely miserable. My arm was throbbing and PJ avoided me completely. Any time I did see him I was met with a nasty glare. I saw him from across the lunch room laughing it up with some girl I had never seen before, she was blushing. How had he already moved on? I guess he was already planning to break up with me and was just using Phil as an excuse, but that didn’t make sense to me. We were so happy driving and looking at the lights, he didn’t start acting this way until we found Phil. I was confused and hurt, I just stared at my food, not wanting to eat it.  
I spent the rest of the day trying to shake off what I saw, it’s not my concern anymore. We aren’t going out, he can do whatever he wants to do. By the time i got home, i didn’t even remember what happened at lunch, my mind drifted back to the thought of Phil. I realised when I walked in that I was home alone, with only a note on the counter from mum saying that she had gone out for the night. She also mentioned that if I even thought of doing anything stupid and reckless she would disown me. So that’s how it’s gonna be… I guess I deserve it. I thought grimly. I grabbed a soda with my good arm and made my way to the couch. As I was about to sit down I heard a knock at the door. I almost didn’t want to answer it, I was so tired from the day, but i sighed and made my way over to it. When I saw who was on my doorstep a nearly collapsed. Looking right at me, was Phil.  
“I remember.” Was all he said before grabbing me tightly and pulling me in for a kiss. 

~

“Wait, wait. Slow down.” I said, bringing him a glass of water as he sat on the couch. Phil sighed impatiently.  
“Well I had nowhere to go when you gave me the money for a cab, so I directed the driver back to the field you found me in. I was upset and my mind was swimming with questions. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and I tripped… that damn root…” He smiled a bit, “ When I came to, it felt as though a veil had been lifted. Everything was blurry at first but the more I concentrated, the more I began to remember.” He paused, making sure I was getting everything. I nodded and he continued, “I remembered the night I ran away, but i didn’t exactly know why, I thought harder and fragments kept reappearing, almost like the pieces of a puzzle. I knew I had to tell you so I’ve been waiting until a moment when you were alone before I tried to contact you. I remember your parents not being particularly fond of me.” He chuckled. He noticed that i was completely still and reached out to put his arm around me. “Dan, why didn’t you tell me sooner? I must’ve had you worried sick. I’m so sorry!”  
“I didn’t know what to say to you. I mean what would you say if I didn’t remember who you were at all?” Phil grinned and let out a short laugh. My heart skipped a beat. “I missed you, and i regret not coming with you that night.”  
“I missed you too, Pooh Bear.” He replied gently and he pulled me in for a hug. I began to cry and sunk into his arms. My whole world lit up and I felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders. Everything seemed perfect only… PJ wasn’t there, too.  
Phil left, promising he would return later that night. I kissed him and said I couldn’t wait. I retreated to my room when he left. I was ecstatic that Phil had come back, but all I could really think about was PJ. I owed him an explanation. I pulled out my phone and gave him a call. A female voice answered. “Hello?”  
“Um...hi? This is Dan, may I speak to PJ?”  
“Dan who?” She sounded snarky.  
“Just tell him it’s Dan and that I need to apologise. I’m ready to explain what happened.”  
“Look buddy, you must be confused. I’ve been going out with PJ for 4 months and met all his friends. None of them are named Dan. You must have the wrong number.” the lined clicked to an end and the dial tone played. I sat there in shock. 4 months? But that impossible… we were going out for 5 months. Then it dawned on me. He never talked to me on the phone outside of school, we only texted. I always assumed it was because he preferred texting to calling, but everything seemed to make sense now. My blood ran cold. That motherfucker! A voice from the back of my head began to whisper, Of course he would cheat on you, look at you. You’re a mess! You’re so distracted with yourself that he lost interest. You’re worthless and nobody will ever love you. Not even Phil. He forgot you so easily, he never loved you. I hit myself in the head repeatedly  
“Stop it! Shut up shut up!” why do you even try? You’re pathetic. You should just kill yourself and save everyone the misery of having to put up with you. I was sobbing, rocking back and forth; moonlight reflected off my open window, the cold winter air blustering in. Glinting from my nightstand I saw an old friend. I grabbed it with my good arm and pushed off my sling. I put it vertically to my wrist, closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  
Suddenly there were arms around me, I dropped the blade in shock and started yelling. “Dan, dan calm down. I’m here, you’re going to be okay.” I immediately relaxed, and he dropped his arms. I began to sob and apologised profusely. “What the hell are you doing?”  
“I'm sorry!” i wailed, “I’m pathetic, and I can’t take it anymore. I spent all my time regretting my decision to stay and when I finally found someone I trusted, I still wasn’t happy! He wasn’t you, how could I be happy if I’m not with you? Then I found out he was cheating on me the entire time we were seeing each other. No one loves me, no one ever will love me, I should just kill myself and be done with my miserable life. Everyone would be better off without me!” Phil put a finger to my lips. There were tears in his eyes. He wiped away his tears and gave a sad grin. “What?”  
“It’s just that… a few months ago our roles were reversed.” He said grimly. I snorted and pulled away, apologising again. He kissed my forehead and helped me back into my sling. “Tomorrow is a new day, love. Now get some rest, don’t worry I won’t leave your side.” I nodded at his reassuring words and climbed into bed. He checked to make sure no one was home and went to get me a glass of water. I don’t know when he came back but I fell asleep almost instantly.  
I awoke in Phil’s arms and sighed happily, breathing in his familiar scent. He kissed my forehead, “Good morning, Pooh Bear.” He said gently. I let out a happy sigh and snuggled in closer to him. “Love, you have to get ready for school.” I groaned, he was right. I rolled out of bed, putting on the nearest clothes I could find. Phil lounged across the bed and watched me get ready, a smile played on his lips.  
“What?” I blushed.  
“I forgot how good you look without a shirt.” He smirked. I laughed and flipped him off. “Oh, I forgot to mention, your mother came in at almost 3 am last night. I was trying to stay awake until she got home so I got up and quickly locked your door. She knocked a couple times but I guess she realised you were asleep and went away.” I nodded.  
“Yeah… she does that. Is she still here?”  
“No no, she left around 7.”  
“Okay, she should be gone all day then. You’re welcome to stay if you like.” He smiled in response.  
“That would be nice.” I leaned in and gave him a goodbye kiss before I left for school. I was euphoric knowing that I would come home with Phil waiting for me, last night’s episode completely forgotten. By the time the bus got to school, however, I remembered what happened and was boiling with rage. I stomped off the bus and clenched my good fist. I was angry and hurt, and I was going to let PJ know exactly how I felt. I stormed in the school and almost instantly saw PJ with his girlfriend. “HEY JACKASS!” I yelled. His head immediately jerked up in my direction, his eyes narrowed.  
“Ugh, what do you want?”  
“This.” I sneered. I reared back my right arm, and everything went red. 

~

I sat outside the principal's office scowling. PJ walked out looking as angry as ever, holding an icepack to his jaw, his lips were stained with blood. “Don’t think this is over Howell.” he said in disgust. I clenched my fist again. The assistant principal cleared his throat.  
“Principal Lockwood will see you now.” I stood up and stomped into his office. Lockwood sat at his desk, a look of rage filling his eyes.  
“Mr… Howell, is it?” He asked, shuffling through some papers on his desk.  
“The name’s Dan.” I growled. Dude chill. I thought, taking a deep breath.  
“Well, Mr. Howell,” I clenched my fist again. “Why don’t you go ahead and tell me what happened this morning?” Lockwood was tense, trying to control his anger. I snorted. I couldn’t tell him the truth.  
“I didn’t like the way he looked.” I snapped. Lockwood sighed.  
“Mr. Howell, you’ve been here for four years and have never once been into my office. Now I’m going to ask again, what happened this morning?”  
“I already told you what happened.”  
“Alright, if you aren’t going to tell the truth, I have no choice but to suspend you, effective immediately.”  
“Fine!” i stood up and marched out of the office without another word. Once I got to the parking lot I hesitated. I sat against a wall, put my head on my knees and began to cry. Once I calmed down, I got up and began to walk home.  
I came back to an empty house. Panicked, i called out, “Phil?!” His head poked out from around the corner of the hallway leading to my room. He looked alarmed.  
“Dan? Are you okay? Why are you home so early? What happened?” I shook my head and began to cry again. He stepped toward me, in an effort to comfort me, but my phone began to ring. I answered but before I could say anything I was met with an angry shout.  
“Daniel James Howell, what the fuck did you do? I just got a call from the school saying that you were suspended?”  
“Hey mum.”  
“Don’t ‘Hey mum’ me, mister! You’re in huge trouble! What did you do?”  
“I… punched a guy in the face”  
“Who?!”  
“PJ.”  
“About what?!”  
“It’s nothing, I was just being stupid. I’m sorry.”  
“Well you’re grounded, obviously, for the rest of the year. I’m on my way home and I won’t be going to work until your grounding is over.” She hung up without another word. I sighed; I expected nothing less. Phil pulled me in for a hug, careful not to crush my arm.  
“You should go. She’s going to be home any minute and if she finds you here, she’ll have a conniption.” He gave me a quick kiss, one last hug and slipped out the window.  
Mum was furious when she finally got home. She slammed the door and stormed into the kitchen. She screamed at me some more, and when she felt like she had said everything she wanted to say she stomped to her room and slammed the door behind her. I sat on my bed, my arm was burning from the dislocation and the… other thing… I heard a soft tap at my window, I turned and gingerly slid it open, and Phil slipped in silently. “I heard everything. Are you okay?” I nodded half-heartedly. “Oh Dan,” He sighed, pulling me in close, “I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. If you hadn’t have found me, you and PJ would still be happy.” I shook my head vigorously.  
“No Phil, he was cheating on me before we found you. It’s because of you that I know that. Thank you.” I assured him, hugging him tighter. I jerked my head up to the sound of soft sobs. It was clear that he still blamed himself.  
“I should’ve just died, maybe then… you could’ve been happy…” I sat up and brushed the hair out of his face. Looking him deep in the eyes.  
“Phil, I have been thinking about you nonstop ever since you left. I have always regretted my decision to stay with my parents, I…” I choked, “I thought I’d never see you again, and I hated myself for staying.” He nodded weakly. We were exhausted, it had been a long day and we both needed some rest.  
I awoke to my alarm the next morning, I got up with a sigh and went to disconnect it. Won’t be needing that for a while. Phil stirred and opened his droopy eyes. “Hey” he said softly in a voice that made my heart skip a beat. I smiled in response.  
“Hey, you.” He opened his mouth to say something else when we heard footsteps coming down the hall. His face went white. Shit. He lept out of bed and darted into the closet, not having enough time to jump out the window. I dove back into my bed, getting under my covers right as the door opened.  
“I’m missing work because of you so you better be on your best damn behaviour.” Mum snapped. “No sass or complaining. No video games and no leaving this house.” I just nodded in response. She turned and walked back down the hall, slamming the door behind her. After a couple minutes, Phil stepped out of my closet. He made his way back over to the bed and sat down, hanging his head in his hands.  
“I still think this is my fault, you know.” He said quietly. I put a hand on his shoulder.  
“Phil, like I said before, they had been going out for 4 months; way before we found you.” I paused, a thought occured, “in a way Phil… You saved me.” He looked up and blinked “Sorry…” I mumbled, dropping my hand and blushing. He smiled.  
“No, I’m glad I did.” My stomach growled and I remembered that I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet. I blushed harder.  
“Sorry… I guess I should get some food, huh?” Phil laughed. “I’ll smuggling something for you, too.” I ruffled his hair, he pushed my hand away and gave me a big toothy grin.  
“That’d be nice.” I laughed and opened the door. I put on the saddest face I could manage and made my way to the kitchen. Mum sat on the couch, reading the paper. She didn’t look up when I came in so I figured it would be easy to get some food for Phil. I made up a huge bowl of cereal, grabbing two spoons as discreetly as I could. When I got back in my room Phil was sprawled out on my bed in a very suggestive manner. I gasped and nearly dropped the bowl of cereal. “Hey Daniel.” A shiver went up my spine. I held out the bowl of cereal and a spoon.  
“Uh-- um… breakfast…” I stammered. He laughed and pushed himself up onto one elbow, taking the bowl from me. He took small bites, wanting to make sure I got some, too. I could tell he was ravenous, though. When was the last time he has actually eaten anything? “Eat as much as you want, love” His eyes lit up and he inhaled the whole thing. He realised what he did and guilt flashed across his face. Now it was my turn to laugh. He set the empty bowl aside and I collapsed in his arms. “I love you.” His grip tightened.  
“I love you, too.” I buried my face in his chest and sighed. Despite everything that had happened, I was happy.  
I woke to a pounding on my door, I sat bolt upright and whipped my head around. Phil was nowhere to be seen. Before I could get up to find him, dad flung open the door. “Daniel James Howell, what the fuck did you do?” I froze, Does he know about Phil? Oh fuck. “Your mother just told me that you got suspended?! For punching PJ in the face?!” I relaxed almost instantly but immediately became tense again. Dad was having a fucking cow. He ranted and raved and said pretty much the exact thing mum said. I listened in silence, knowing that an argument would be useless. “I don’t want to see you again until you straighten yourself out.” He finished with a huff. He slammed the door when he left. Wow, mum and dad are so similar, no wonder they got married. I waited for a couple minutes, listening to mum and dad scream at each other in the living room until I finally hear the front door being slammed shut. I waited for another couple minutes for everything to cool down before I slipped out of bed.  
“Phil!” I hissed, “Where are you?” I heard movement from the closet and one of the doors slid open. He peeked out with tears streaming down his face. “Hey, you’re alright. I was so worried.” I pulled him back into the room “Honey, what’s wrong?”  
“I was so close to getting caught, Dan” He was shaking like a leaf. “I was drifting off to sleep with you… about to close my eyes… I suddenly heard shouting… so much shouting. I was so confused and scared, and when I heard someone storming down the hall, I froze. I thought I would get caught for sure but I sprinted to the closet just as the pounding began.” He broke down into a hitched sob. He was terrified, if he got caught staying here his life would be over. We would get torn apart by my parents and then by his parents, and I would never get to see him again. I lost Phil once before, and I was not going to lose him again. I knew exactly what I had to do. It was something I should’ve done a long time ago.  
“Phil, listen to me. I love you and I am going to spend the rest of my life with you. Lets run. For real this time.” I had no doubts, this is what I was going to do.  
“W--what?”  
“I mean it, Phil.” his face changed from cowering fear to determination when he realised I was serious. “Here’s what we’re gonna do: We wait until mum goes to sleep , once she’s in bed we sneak out to the kitchen and grab all the food we can carry. But we also need money. Leave that to me. I’ll take all of her cash and her debit card, we can withdraw everything from the first ATM we find, then ditch the card.” The more we went over the details of what to do, the more determined we became. We were running. Tonight,  
It was 1:25 before the house was finally quiet. I looked at Phil and nodded. He grabbed the bags and made his way into the kitchen while I made a beeline for mums purse. He filled the bags completely with food, and slipped back into my room while I got every last dollar from mum’s wallet. We grabbed my duffel bag from the chair and began to stuff in armfuls of clothes. Phil opened the window and paused before tossing out the bags. “You ready to go?” I nodded and we slid out the window. I leaned over and kissed him and we disappeared into the night.

Epilogue  
“Phil!” I called out “I’m home!” I shut the door, locking it behind me. I walked up the short flight of stairs to meet him in the living room.  
“Pooh bear! I didn’t realise you’d be home so early!” He sounded flustered, trying to keep me from coming into the room.  
“Phil what did you do?” I brushed past him. He stumbled after me, tripping over his words. I turned the corner to find a half-finished setup for a romantic dinner in the dining room. I gasped and he sighed.  
“It was going to be a surprise, but happy 5 year anniversary!” He said with a kiss on the cheek. “Running away with you those years ago was the best decision of my life.” I blushed. “Oh, there’s something else, too.” I cocked my head to the side in confusion. Phil reached into his pocket and proceeded to get down on one knee.

The End.


End file.
